So I read this Lifehacker article the other day discussing Google’s top 10 “how
to” searches worldwide from 2004 to 2017. I was like “Good God Lemon, I
know how do that stuff!”
Enough banter, here’s Josh’s guide to doing a bunch of stuff:
How to tie a tie
Put the tie around your neck, make sure the wide end is hanging lower. Take the
wide end and cross it over and then under the narrow end. Now do it again, but
this time feed the wide end through the loop you’ve made. Tighten that shit up
and you’re ready to impress the ladies.
Still don’t get it? Switch to a clip on.
How to kiss
This is important, start by finding somebody that consents to kissing you.
Then… smash lips and go from there.
How to get pregnant
If you’re a girl, find a boy to make the sex with you. If you’re genetically
male, you will not be able to get pregnant yourself. You will have to find a
girl (again, consensually) to get pregnant. Same deal though, make the sex and
repeat as necessary.
If all else fails, there’s always adoption.
How to lose weight
Eat less food. Drink less alcohol. Walk more. Make the [protected] sex (see
above).
How to draw
Take a pen, remove the cap or click it open. Apply said pen to paper or other
medium. Move the aforementioned pen around the paper or whatever.
There, now you’re a regular Picasso!
How to make money
Get a job if you don’t have one. Get a second job if you only have one. Give
yourself an instant raise by cutting your expenses. Got debt? Read the Total
Money Makeover and get on a budget, get out of debt so you have more
money.
How to make pancakes
Procure pancake mix. Before leaving store, ensure you have the necessary
ingredients for said pancake mix. Don’t forget, you’ll need a pan too!
Now go home, follow the directions and enjoy those pancakes!
How to write a cover letter
Didn’t realize these were still a thing. When asked to write a cover letter, you
are you just writing a quick intro to your potential new employer. Talk about
yourself and your skills, why you want the job, why you’d be a good fit and
such.
Don’t go overboard and write a novel. Keep it brief and make sure it’s punchy
and makes an impact. Remember, you’re trying to stand out from the rest of the
folks applying for the position.
How to make French toast
Start with an egg, scramble it up in something that is big enough that you can
stick a piece of bread in. To the egg mixture add a little milk, some ground
cinnamon, ground nutmeg and vanilla extract.
Heat your pan with a bit of butter in it, then once heated, take your bread and
put it in the egg mixture. Flip it over, you want it on both sides!
Take that eggy piece of bread and brown it on both sides in your pan. If
you’ve ever made a grilled cheese sandwich, it’s like that.
Top with some confectioner’s sugar or syrup or some jelly or fruit or whatever.
Wouldn’t recommend this is you’re trying to lose weight. Would highly recommend
making this if you’re trying to get somebody pregnant (see above).
How to lose belly fat
If you have a beer belly, probably want to cut back on the beer. If it’s not
that, see the solid weight loss advice above.
