How to do stuff


3 min read
inspiration
career
life skills
goals

So I read this Lifehacker article the other day discussing Google’s top 10 “how to”searches worldwide from 2004 to 2017. I was like “Good God Lemon, I know how do that stuff!”

Enough banter, here’s Josh’s guide to doing a bunch of stuff:

How to tie a tie

Put the tie around your neck, make sure the wide end is hanging lower. Take the wide end and cross it over and then under the narrow end. Now do it again, but this time feed the wide end through the loop you’ve made. Tighten that shit up and you’re ready to impress the ladies.

Still don’t get it? Switch to a clip on.

How to kiss

This is important, start by finding somebody that consents to kissing you. Then… smash lips and go from there.

How to get pregnant

If you’re a girl, find a boy to make the sex with you. If you’re genetically male, you will not be able to get pregnant yourself. You will have to find a girl (again, consensually) to get pregnant. Same deal though, make the sex and repeat as necessary.

If all else fails, there’s always adoption.

How to lose weight

Eat less food. Drink less alcohol. Walk more. Make the [protected] sex (see above).

How to draw

Take a pen, remove the cap or click it open. Apply said pen to paper or other medium. Move the aforementioned pen around the paper or whatever.

There, now you’re a regular Picasso!

How to make money

Get a job if you don’t have one. Get a second job if you only have one. Give yourself an instant raise by cutting your expenses. Got debt? Read the Total Money Makeover and get on a budget, get out of debt so you have more money.

How to make pancakes

Procure pancake mix. Before leaving store, ensure you have the necessary ingredients for said pancake mix. Don’t forget, you’ll need a pan too!

Now go home, follow the directions and enjoy those pancakes!

How to write a cover letter

Didn’t realize these were still a thing. When asked to write a cover letter, you are you just writing a quick intro to your potential new employer. Talk about yourself and your skills, why you want the job, why you’d be a good fit and such.

Don’t go overboard and write a novel. Keep it brief and make sure it’s punchy and makes an impact. Remember, you’re trying to stand out from the rest of the folks applying for the position.

How to make French toast

Start with an egg, scramble it up in something that is big enough that you can stick a piece of bread in. To the egg mixture add a little milk, some ground cinnamon, ground nutmeg and vanilla extract.

Heat your pan with a bit of butter in it, then once heated, take your bread and put it in the egg mixture. Flip it over, you want it on both sides!

Take that eggy piece of bread and brown it on both sides in your pan. If you’ve ever made a grilled cheese sandwich, it’s like that.

Top with some confectioner’s sugar or syrup or some jelly or fruit or whatever.

Wouldn’t recommend this is you’re trying to lose weight. Would highly recommend making this if you’re trying to get somebody pregnant (see above).

How to lose belly fat

If you have a beer belly, probably want to cut back on the beer. If it’s not that, see the solid weight loss advice above.